How to care (more)...
Have you ever felt that you didn’t care (enough) for yourself? Or that you didn’t care (enough) for others? They are closer connected than you might think.
I have the blessing that I always have people around me who care for me: my family, my friends, my colleagues and even my clients. That is something that I’m much more aware of now, but that awareness wasn’t always there. I took the care I received from others for granted.
On the other hand, you may think that people you care for, always know that you care for them, but that is also not always the case. How you care and the level of care is not always felt and appreciated by the other on the receiving end.
So many different people, so many different needs and different expectations of what care they want, and they give (back). Have you experienced that you did everything in your power to arrange something (care) for somebody, but they didn’t experience it in the way that you intended it? Or care you received from somebody close to you, that you experienced (initially) not as care, e.g. when you were a young child being strongly reprimanded by your parent(s) regarding your safety while you were just playing/exploring the world, for example the hot stove.
Care can be given in many forms and probably even more forms when asked to people, how they want to be cared 😉.
Independent of the form, care can come in two ways: care for another and care for self.
Care for another is where you focus your attention (and intention if it goes deeper) on somebody else than yourself for their safety, well-being, growth, comfort, joy and/or pleasure. Satisfying their need that you want to give.
Self-care is where you focus your attention and intention (for your long-term well-being) on yourself for your safety, well-being, growth, comfort, joy, pleasure, your needs. First, it's often neglected and deprioritized over caring for others (a common pitfall). Second, short-term self-care is often easier to start than maintaining intentional long-term focused self-care, e.g. going to the gym once/a few times in the new year vs. going every week to the gym. There is also the risk of confusing immediate pleasure with short-term care. Things that give instant gratification may not always be long-term beneficial. The cigarette for a relax moment after a stressful meeting, thinking it is self care. Or eating a bag of chips while finishing still some work in the middle of the night and where it would be better to just go to bed and do it early morning. This 'self-care' example is one that I can personally relate with 😉.
As a high-performance coach and guide, I often see that people forget to take sufficient care of themselves. They focus on caring for others primarily. They can maintain it for a longer time before they are confronted by the lack of their self-care, as their family, friends, clients and colleagues of those people generally appreciate (form of care) them while being cared for. In this process, they unconsciously sacrifice themselves to the point that they can’t care even sufficiently for others anymore. It is like the safety instruction on the airplane to take the oxygen mask first before giving it to your child/a person in need of assistance. The difference in living your life is that you don’t immediately notice that you withhold yourself of ‘oxygen’ when taking care of others first until it is (too) late and you are hitting or exceeding your limits.
Funny enough, there is even a deeper connection between care for others and self-care. First of all, the two are not isolated or independent from each other as indicated in the oxygen mask example. On top of that, when care is given in the area of growth, an expansion for all parties (receiving and giving care) involved can happen, where even positive outcomes beyond the involved parties are often more common than uncommon. It is like a domino effect of growth, of good.
To come back on the title 'How to care (more)...', it is not about the form or your expectation how it will be received. It is about the intention, your intention behind the care you give for others, but also the care you give for self. It all starts with what your intention is, what energy you are putting in. Is the intention clear for you, is the energy behind the care you give unobstructed, not dubious and without distraction? As that is what is you have full control on. People feel it, they notice it when you care for them with the intention to have the best interest for them and the energy you bring. The same for self-care, with clear intention 'best interest for self' and energy/commitment for long term caring for self you will notice the difference in your own behavior and habits and towards your self-care.
To reflect back on what I shared in my previous article New Environment, New habits on my intention to care more for others: “It relates to expansion, expansion of my care for others beyond my direct environment, expansion of my courage to share more about myself while engaging with others, and expansion of self, bigger than myself. In other words, live to my full potential even more.” I refer here to this deeper connection of care of others and self by boldly sharing and offering my ideas, insights, experiences and services. It helps me grow (overcoming fears in showing myself more) in the way I need to expand. It helps the people who want to expand while engaging with me, by reading these articles, committing themselves to grow by being coached and it helps the people around us that are living and/or working with us, seeing and experiencing the expansion and care we feel for ourselves and them. At the end care for others, care for self are the same, as one flows into the other and back. Not only between two people, but beyond them.
What is your intention regarding care for yourself and others? If you have other perspectives on care, please share in the comments. I’m curious!
